I’d like to start this week’s Secret Menu by letting you all know that you better appreciate the sacrifices I make for you. I have an extensively stocked kitchen. My fridge is busting at the seams. I have a veritable plethora of meats, fruits, vegetables and spices, all of which I love in their own special way. But let it be known that my most prized possession of all my foods is my stock of lard. Collected from the bacon enjoyed many times by my housemate Eric, this savory substance makes the perfect oil for cooking eggs, stir-frys and meats. It adds that subtle deliciousness of bacon to everything it touches.

And ever since our glass jar decided to shear from the heat of the grease and pour out onto Eric’s arm – leaving him irrevocably scarred – I have been operating with a dwindling supply of the greatest substance on earth. And after creating today’s Secret Menu item, I AM OUT. Whether or not you like this column, there better not be a single person who says I haven’t poured out a piece of myself by bringing you this story.

That being said, let’s deep-fry a Grilled Stuft Burrito.

A couple days ago, a friend of mine told me about how he deep-fried some mushrooms in olive oil with a batter made of parmesan cheese and egg. It sounded intriguing, but alas, this ain’t the Little Girls n’ Ponies Menu. This is the SECRET Menu. There’s nothing secret about mushrooms and olive oil. On the other hand, Taco Bell’s Grilled Stuft Burrito is full of questionable and secretive materials. It is 840 calories of pure mystery. There was, presumably, some “chicken” in there and I think I tasted guacamole, which was exciting, but with avocado prices being what they are, I find it hard to believe that T-Bell is footing that bill.

So I took my giant, turd-shaped mass of chunks, glops and gloops – all of questionable origins – and I battered it with half a container of Parmesan cheese mixed with 3 eggs and dropped it into hot, bubbly lard. I’ve never been quite so terrified of a food. Probably because I’ve never seen a food before that looked so much like Jabba the Hutt. But it was at this point that I decided to up the ante…with bacon.

I grabbed a giant slice of the extra thick bacon I just bought and slathered it with my cheese batter, then threw it in the lard. Frying bacon with bacon grease: a forbidden art. When that was done, I laid the fried bacon over top of the fried burrito, slathered it with Taco Bell’s signature fire sauce and chowed down.

The next 10 minutes of my life can best be described with the words “pride” and “shame.” Pride because it actually turned out to be delicious and shame because I couldn’t finish it. Your body hits a certain point where it has had enough of your creativity’s crap and while the Fried Stuft Baconito is a delectable addition to any diet, I suggest having a friend with you on this one. The novelty of the food wears off rather suddenly about halfway through.

In closing, if anyone reading this is feeling charitable, I need my bacon grease reserves restocked…please?