Every once in a while, a man meets that special someone. You know the one. A friend who wants to be more that a friend, but without any of the messy social awkwardness that usually comes with that type of relationship. Purely physical, these relationships tend to be short-lasted and fleeting. But even though the very nature of the friendship is to get unbridled satisfaction with no strings attached, the encounters can leave people with a sense of guilt. You may ask “Dave, how does this synopsis of unfettered hedonism relate to eating depraved and perverse foods?” Well, let me introduce you to the Friend With Benefits Burger.

The server at B-Dubs couldn’t help but laugh when handing me my carry-out bag of 20 small cups of sauce. My order was indeed ridiculous: A cheeseburger with bacon and pepper-jack cheese, and a cup of every single sauce the restaurant had to offer. Everything from Honey BBQ all the way down to the nefarious Blazin’, and a few other “limited time only” offerings that I didn’t know existed. On top of that, I had a cup of salsa that came with the nacho chips that they never gave me. We’ll have words later BW3…

Returning to my analogy, the Friend With Benefits Burger (FWBB from here on out) never asked me about my life goals, or what my favorite color was. It never got mad at me when I cracked a politically incorrect joke. All it wanted to do was fulfill my fantasies. It role-played as a pirate when I double dipped it in Caribbean Jerk and Captain Morgan. It gave me an Asian sensation as I coated it with Teriyaki and Thai Curry. When I wanted to get things a little hotter, we slathered up in Mango Habanero, Wild and Blazin’. All this, and I never had to meet its mother.

When my time with the FWBB drew toward a close, I collected a bit of all 20 sauces, stirred it all together, and proceeded to live out my oft unsatisfied wish to have a little bit of everything…on a burger.

If you decide to meet up with your own personal FWBB, let me make a suggestion: Choose just a few of your favorite sauces. Ordering 20 sides of sauce can get a bit pricey. Just make sure you get a nice range of sweet and spicy. My personal recommendations are Parmesan Garlic, Spicy Garlic, Thai Curry, Blazin’, and Smokey Southwest (not on the menu as far as I can tell, but delicious). Just make sure to enjoy yourself, and try not to feel guilty afterward.

In closing, I’m glad I did it. No feelings were hurt. I left satisfied. FWBB doesn’t litter my facebook wall with dumb lovey dovey crap. I don’t have to find a nice shirt to wear to FWBB’s stupid Greek semi-formal. The best of both worlds. Let’s just say this: Next time I’m drunk and lonely, I know who I’m calling.