Credit for the inspiration of this secret menu item goes to “Pro At Cooking”. A fantastic cooking show that recorded 8 episodes before mysteriously disappearing. I am forever grateful.

There’s a type of food that the good Lord brought us all many years ago. The advent of this particular phylum of food dawned around the same time that our species learned to boil water. The only equipment necessary is a giant vessel. This type of food is basically an amalgamation of everything you love, thrown into a pot, stirred around, and simmered for, at the very least, an hour. I am, of course, talking of chili. It’s the one food that is literally next to impossible to screw up, which is one of the reasons I’m so fond of it. That, and it makes for a borderline orgasmic potpourri for the entire time it’s simmering.

So what does the secret menu put in its chili? Well a good start is five pounds of meat, jalapeños, about two cups of spices, and a can of beer. Enter the Red Ring of Death.

Unfortunately, the alcohol from the beer gets boiled out of the mix, so the left over whiskey from last week’s Secret Menu sat nearby.

Feel free to be a little girl when choosing the ingredients for your chili, but as for me and my house, it’s important to choose ingredients based on a guideline of two key factors: The amount of sinus congestion it will clear up, and the amount of grease that will spring forth from it. My chili holds back on neither of these two criteria. The truly outrageous amount of spice, including generous amounts of cayenne pepper, coriander, paprika, oregano, cocoa powder and chili powder, lays waste to any and all nostril-dwelling scum and villainy. And the 5 pounds of ground beef, steak, and pork chop were frying in an inch-deep pool of their own fat mere minutes into the cooking process. Between the fortress of meat and the bevy of spices, I added a poblano pepper, a red bell pepper, an onion, black beans, and tomatoes. Oh yeah, and beer. Duh.

A common theme I’m seeing in the secret menu is that everything has to cook for at least an hour, which can get a bit frustrating when all you want to do is OM NOM on some nom noms, but let me tell you: It’s worth it. The bounty of flavors need time to mingle. You don’t just heat it up, stir it up, serve it up, and expect good results. Patience people, just like Anne Sullivan.

My final word, and only complaint, about the Red Ring of Death is that it comes out just like it goes in: Nice n’ Spicy. Till next time, stay hungry my friends.