Several weeks ago I took a bike ride out into the country and stumbled upon a gold mine. I found a small farm that deals with chickens. They sell organic eggs and also sell whole chickens. I recently decided to get one of their chickens but little did I know that I would be surprised with the special blessing of various organs along with the meat.

You see, back before the word “chicken” elicited thoughts of McNuggets and taste-free, boneless, skinless chicken breasts, people made use of the bird from neck to foot. Back before fat gave us cancer and cholesterol gave us heart disease, people knew how to eat. In honor of our thrifty, carnivorous ancestors, I bring you the cirrhotic liver and the myocardial infarction.

Upon opening the small bag of dark reddish-brown organs I quickly google image searched “chicken organs”. I had no idea what I was looking at but from my quick research I determined that I was in possession of a heart, a liver and probably gizzards. So, in a fit of irony, I covered the heart in cholesterol and simmered the liver in alcohol.

I took some aluminum foil out and fashioned a small container just big enough to fit an egg and the heart inside. After greasing the lining with my newly growing stock of bacon grease, I now had a suitable vessel in which to bake. I put in the heart and cracked an egg over top of it. All 200mg of cholesterol were seeping into its pulmonary artery and ventricles. Plaque was forming, and my mouth was watering.

At the time, I was celebrating the great coming of Yuengling to the shores of Ohio, but I now, regrettably, had to share my beer with the liver. I lowered the liver into the simmering pan of black & tan and watched it sizzle. I threw in some rosemary, just because.

I ran out of chronic disease jokes and opted to simply fry the gizzards in lard…

After baking the heart, simmering the liver and frying the gizzards, I was ready to eat. I think my favorite part was the heart. It was mildly tough but the flavor was great. The gizzards were sort of like tough bacon; good flavor but stringy. My diseased liver was depressingly dry and chalky, and I can’t say I’m a huge fan of the flavor either.

I found out after the fact that the chicken’s spine was also included in my purchase. What a pity. I would have loved to eat some scoliotic back problems along with my cirrhosis and atherosclerosis.