Well kids, I regret to inform you all that I will no longer be bringing you disgusting abominations of food after this issue that you hold in your hands this very instant. I have moved on to bigger and better things. You may be asking yourself, “But what could ever be better than Ashland University!?”…wait. No, you’re definitely not asking yourself that.

But you may be asking what I could possibly choose as my farewell to the fine pages of The Collegian. Well, I’m leaving The Secret Menu the same way I was introduced to it.

Some of you may remember the very first Secret Menu ever written. It was Nick Zavarella’s beautiful creation: The McGangBang. The McGangBang was a McDonald’s double cheeseburger with a McChicken sandwich wedged between the two “beef” patties. I remember the smile that crept up on my face as I read that article. I had never thought of doing something so ridiculous, but then again, I had never been the writer of a food column before either. It changes you.

When Justine Ackerman approached me for the position of authoring the Secret Menu, the McGangBang was my first thought. Could I out-class it? Should I even try? The answer to whether or not I should try is absolutely, unequivocally “YES.” But could I?

I like to think so.

The first and most obvious decision was to upgrade from two burgers to three. Next, I would upgrade the size of those burgers. No more double cheeseburger. I was time for the Big Mac. I also upgraded from the limitations of just one restaurant menu to that of three.

I took a drive over to Wendy’s first. The choice was clear when I looked at the menu. The Baconator would become part of my Frankenburger. I ordered one up and returned to the car. Next stop, McDonald’s. This is where things got awesome. Big Mac’s are 2 for $4!!

“The more the merrier!” said I, and promptly handed over my money to the nice lady behind the counter. Finally, I entered Hardee’s knowing full well what had to happen. I walked up to the cash register and said, “I’d like one Monster Thickburger to go please.”

And now it was time to stack. I decided to replace the buns of the Big Mac with the insides of the other two burgers.

So in order from paper wrapping to sky, I had this: Monster Burger patty #1, Big Mac patties #1 and #2, Baconator and bacon, Big Mac patties #3 and #4, Monster Thickburger patty #2.

I drizzled on some chili sauce that I picked up before leaving Wendy’s.

As the Frankenburger approached my mouth, I knew full well that it wouldn’t even come close to fitting in my jaws, but that didn’t stop me. I took bites at angles, off the top, around the edges, wherever I could and I must say: it was delicious.

I need to give McDonald’s some credit. The beef patties are incredibly small compared to those on the Monster Thickburger, but I think the tastiest part of the entire monstrosity was the special sauce. That stuff is like liquid gold. I just don’t think I’ve ever appreciated it enough.

All three burgers meshed extremely well and each brought their own beautiful uniqueness to the table. Whether in the form of crispy bacon, huge juicy angus beef, or some very special sauce, each restaurant did their part in satisfying my every need.

I am glad I removed the bread though. I’m trying to watch my figure after all.