In the Bils vs. Battishill Brawl, managing editor Glenn Battishill, and sports editor Chris Bils will face off in a series of competitions that will determine once and for all who is the “ultimate champion,” a nerd or a sports nerd. This week our heroes face off in a variation of the popular playground game “HORSE” or as it was known in Glenn’s hometown, “BANTHA”.

Glenn: We wanted to bring our own flavor to the game so we decided after struggling for hours with the IT password reset too that the word we should play to would be “M3c91” or just a random assortment of letters and numbers, since that’s basically what our passwords are now.

Chris: Now, you have to understand how little sports experience our friend Glenn has. I didn’t want to shock his system too bad, so we decided on a simple game of “M3c91.” You know, so he didn’t end up with a Ping-Pong ball jammed down his throat or something. What could possibly go wrong?

Glenn: Unbeknownst to Chris, back in 2006 I moonlighted as an expert 3-point shooter in my fourth period gym class where I shot my team to victory in our championship. “I’m an expert in this game,” I thought to myself. “Shooting basketball is just like riding a bike; no matter how long you go without practice, you will always be good at it.”

Turns out this is not true.

Chris: What Glenn doesn’t know is that I eat chumps like him for breakfast. My freshman basketball coach used to call me “Show me the money, Dolla Bilz.” I’ve been playing this game since I was old enough to know what a basketball was.

Glenn: I’ve known what basketball was ever since I saw the movie “Space Jam”. I’m practically (Google searches ‘who is the best 3-point shooter”) Dirk Nowitzki.

Chris: I decided I’d let Glenn check out the basketball from the Rec, just because he’s never had the pleasure of doing so. Turns out his card doesn’t even work at the Rec. This might be even easier than I thought.

Glenn: I knew I had problems when I started sweating just walking into the Rec.

Chris: Just because I was anxious to see what I was working against, I decided to let Glenn go first.

Glenn: I stood halfway between the hoop and the free throw line, set up my shot and reached out with the Force. “I’ll give you an easy one to start with, Chris” I said, my voice oozing #Swag. I shot… and missed… horribly.

Chris: Glenn’s first shot didn’t even make it halfway. Still, I didn’t want to get overly confident. I mean, Michael Jordan did get cut from his high school team. Oh wait, that’s just a myth. I’m going to embarrass Glenn worse than every Cleveland team dating back to the middle of the 20th century.

Glenn: Even I know enough about sports to know that when you are worse than a team from Cleveland you have serious problems. Then again, I’ve also seen enough sports movies to know that epic failure at the start can sometimes lead to epic win in the end.

Chris: After missing my first two shots from inside the paint, I decided to introduce Glenn to my territory: and by that I mean five feet beyond the 3-point line with my foot nearly touching out-of-bounds. Swoosh.

Glenn: Seeing your opponent sink a shot from almost another court (is that what these are called?) is a demoralizing feeling. Seeing your attempt to match the shot come up short by about 3 feet is worse.

“M”

Chris: For about a tenth of a second I felt a bit of remorse for what I had done. I mean, I don’t even know if Glenn can throw a basketball that far. Then I decided to shoot from half court. And promptly bricked my shot off the backboard. Easy there cowboy, let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

Glenn: After a rocky start I started crowding the hoop hoping to sink some easy shots just to get Chris on edge. That plan didn’t end up panning out.

Chris: The only way I ever get beat at “M3c91” is when people shoot those damn bunny shots. With an “M3” lead, that’s exactly what Glenn started going for. Luckily, he shoots bunny shots about as well as an actual bunny.

Glenn: Bugs Bunny circa “Space Jam” you mean because I nailed that second bunny shot.

“M3” to “M”

Chris: In honor of Ashland Olympian A.G. Kruger, I decided to head back out to hammer throw territory for my next shot, if for nothing else but to remind Glenn that this isn’t the 50s. They created the 3-point line for a reason: so ginger kids could learn to be halfway decent at basketball. Matt Bonner, anyone?

“M3c” to “M”

Glenn: The Force was not with me today as every one of my shots seemed to just start bouncing off the rim (is that what it’s called?) while all of Chris’s were home runs.

Chris: It’s at this point that I show Glenn the contract we signed that says that the loser of this game actually has to call IT and say they need their password changed. The terror that comes across Glenn’s face tells me all I need to know. There is no way I’m losing this game.

Glenn: It was no surprise to me that I was losing “M3c9” to “M” and at this point I started taking shots backwards hoping blind luck could carry me to victory. Blind luck apparently can’t carry much, apparently.

Chris: It was no surprise to me that I was winning “M3c9” to “M” and at this point I started taking shots backwards and between my legs just for the hell of it. What’s the point of winning if you can’t have a little fun in the process, right?

Glenn: I’m sure it was just to rub it in but for some reason Chris decided that the winning shot should be so simple that I would have to suck to not make it. I’m just going to come right out and say it, “I suck at ‘M3c91’” and there’s no shame in admitting that.

Final Score

Chris: “M”

Glenn: “M3c9k”… or was it “M3c91”? I can never remember these randomly generated numbers.

Chris: Glenn may suck at basketball, but I do have to applaud his effort. In the end, he stood no chance of doing anything athletic while wearing a “Battlefield 3” shirt and jeans. I think I’m going to get him a pair of gym shorts for his birthday. Maybe that will bring back some of his fourth period glory.

Glenn: Clearly, I’m not as good at basketball as I was six years ago. I don’t really care about that though because next time Chris steps into my territory as we square off against each other in “Call of Duty: Black Ops”.