Chris: Everyone needs a day off every once in awhile, right? That’s why this week I decided to introduce Glenn to everyone’s favorite office diversion, golf. Monday was a perfect day to enjoy the outdoors and stay out of the office, so we went out to Brookside Golf Course.

Glenn: Golf? My only experience with Golf is having seen “Caddyshack” and “Happy Gilmore.” I knew going into this that I would lose. I at least hoped that I could out-trash-talk Chris.

Chris: From a competitive standpoint, we both knew how this was going to end. I was a fairly successful high school golfer, whereas Glenn, well… he already explained how little golf experience he has: none. My hope was to introduce my friend to a sport that he might not hate while also playing a decent round of golf.

Glenn: Thank god that we went on a cool day, or I might have bludgeoned Chris to death with my 9 Iron if I was going to be standing out in the middle of a field in slacks and a button up shirt. I have trouble with any sport that requires me to get dressed up.

Chris: Just how little did Glenn know about golf before Monday? Well, when he brought his borrowed clubs up to the office he was having his friend describe the use of each club. Of course, he informed me, he was already familiar with the putter. “Just wait until I get to the green,” he said. “I’m going to destroy you.” His plan was to three-putt every hole. My plan was to not three-putt any holes.

Glenn: Movies have been very misleading about the distance between the tee and the hole. They also neglected to mention that a first time golfer might take 5 to 10 strokes to even get to the green. Despair is seeing your opponent’s ball fly hundreds of yards down the fairway while yours manages only a few dozen feet.

Chris: I have played with several first-time golfers in my life. I also remember my first time golfing. It’s not pretty. You see, most people horribly underestimate how difficult golf is. How hard can it be to hit a ball that’s just sitting on the ground, right? That’s the thing. For some people, it can be extremely difficult to even hit the ball for the first time.

Glenn: I was one of those people. The media is irresponsible with its portrayal of golf. I figured “if a failed hockey player can master golf then so can I!” This turned out to be completely and utterly false.

Chris: Now, before we teed off I had already explained to Glenn and our photographers for the day, Elizabeth Bucheit and Radley Stahl, how obsessed I was with golf in high school. Then I went through my somewhat ridiculous pre-shot routine and realized: ‘Crap, they’re probably expecting me to rip this thing 300 yards.’ Que the first tee jitters. Talk about your all-time role reversals.

Glenn: Chris must’ve ripped his first drive 300 yards.

Chris: Thank God.

Glenn: My second stroke sent the ball flying… into the neighboring fairway. We were two strokes in and I was already losing hope. I remember the expert golf advice my roommate gave me before sending me out to the course. “Glenn, you’re going to suck at golf,” he said reassuringly. “Golf is not a sport you can just pick up and go with. It’s going to make you mad how poorly you are going to do.”

Chris: As I sat in the cart and watched Glenn try furiously to hit his third shot, I realized that we had wandered right into the middle of a high school golf match. Now, the closest I’ve ever been to war was last issue’s brawl, but I have to think it is only slightly more dangerous than standing 100 yards in front of four high school golfers. We had to get out of there, and quick!

Glenn: One does not “quickly” hit the ball. In my haste I slammed the ball and sent it flying towards my fairway and also towards Elizabeth, whose quick reflexes saved her from certain death.

Chris: I take that back. Elizabeth was in a much worse spot than we were, and she was holding the extremely expensive camera.

Glenn: We were playing a double par mercy rule, meaning if the par was 4 and I got to 8 strokes I would pick up my ball and give up. Lets just say I never actually put the ball in the hole.

Chris: If it weren’t for that mercy rule, I’m pretty sure the old guys who were behind us on the first hole would have chased us off the course. Pricks. I managed to make a bogey with them breathing down my neck.

Score: Chris 6, Glenn 10

Glenn: World Headquarters of Nice People does not extend to the golf course apparently.

Chris: Once we let them pass on the second hole, I thought it would be best if we sped up the process a little bit. I dropped Glenn off at his ball so he could hack away while I hit mine. I failed to get up and down from beside the green and made another bogey.

Glenn: What Chris didn’t know until just now is that I never “hacked away” at my ball. I picked it up, put it in my pocket and told Chris I hit it right before the green. Then as we drove towards the green I casually dropped the ball out of the cart and proclaimed “I think we just passed my ball!”

Alas, even this cheat couldn’t get me onto the green and I was picking up 3 strokes later.

Score: Chris 11, Glenn 18.

Chris: Let’s skip ahead to the fourth hole, where I absolutely blasted my drive on a 500-yard par five. In fact, I hit it so far–300 yards–that Glenn had to pick up before he even got to my ball. I proceeded to hit a hybrid just long of the green and chip to four feet, sinking the putt for my only birdie of the day.

Glenn: I was beginning to give up on golf, often times picking up my ball before I even got to my third stroke, especially when I hadn’t even made it 100 yards and I couldn’t even see the green.

Score: Irrelevant.

Chris: All day, I was fighting an awful draw, meaning I was hitting the ball to the left. In my efforts to compensate, I started hitting some really awful chunks.

Glenn: I was beginning to think Chris was digging a foxhole to hide from my stray strokes.

Chris: If there’s two things golf has taught me (besides sportsmanship and fair play), it’s how to curse and spit… sorry mom. As I started to do the first one and babble something about how I half expected a groundhog to jump out of the divot I just made, I realized that Glenn was laughing hysterically. I guess my poor shot must have been some kind of therapy for him.

Glenn: Even though I knew that I was going to lose it was still severely depressing. Seeing my final score tower high above Chris’s filled me with a sense of failure. I hadn’t been this depressed since high school.

Chris: Don’t worry, Glenn, golf used to make me cry in high school too. Oh, that’s not what you meant, is it? Well, this just got embarrassing for both of us.

Glenn: With the sad realization that I’d shot more of my balls into the brush or the water instead of getting them onto the green I hung my head in shame and admitted defeat.

Score: Chris 46, Glenn 72