Glenn: After last week’s horribly depressing golf outing I decided I would throw Chris into a game he knew next to nothing about just so I could see him drown. Revenge is a dish best served cold and that’s why I selected this week’s game as “Warcraft III: The Frozen Throne.” See what I did there?

Chris: What in the hell is a “Frozen Throne?” Isn’t the point of sitting on a throne to assert your power over the people you’re ruling over? It seems that having a chilled rear end would take away from that enjoyment. How about a throne made out of fried chicken?

Glenn: Well, you see Chris, The Frozen Throne was the receptacle of the soul of the Elder Shaman Ner’zhul following his transformation into the dreaded Lich King. It serves as… You know what, don’t worry about it.

Chris: No Glenn, that was extremely worthwhile, for the sole reason that it allows me to make this joke: More like “Nerd’zhul.” Am I right?

Glenn: Anyway, I knew going into this game that Chris had little to no experience with the entire real time strategy game genre and I knew I would probably have to guide him through the whole game. He played as the well balanced humans and I played as the weaker but cleverer undead.

Chris: Actually, Glenn, you’ll be pleased to know that a few of my friends are big fans of “Starcraft,” which has led to my presence at a few all-night “Starcraft” LAN parties. Unfortunately, my only memory of those nights was the time my friend broke out in hives from eating strawberries… different story for a different time.

Glenn: Be thankful I didn’t make you play “Starcraft,” although if I had the game would only have lasted six minutes because I am a master of the Zerg rush.

But I digress. I picked the smallest map possible for our throwdown, Booty Bay.

Chris: Booty Bay? Really? Please tell me this has something to do with swimsuit models in bikinis.

Glenn: No. But there are trolls and ogres in armor that show off a lot of skin. Same difference right?

Chris: *shakes head*

Glenn: Anyway, I gave Chris simple instructions on managing his resources and building up an army of foot soldiers. I really went easy on Chris and decided not to use any flying creatures, mages or any monster bigger than a house.

Chris: It was starting to come back to me a little bit. “Those wasted Friday nights playing ‘Starcraft’ might actually have a use,” I thought. “Maybe I can actually challenge Glenn in this game. I just have to keep pretending I don’t know anything so he continues to feed me knowledge.”

Glenn: I was so distracted by baby Chris that I kind of forgot I was supposed to be building my own army. Once I snapped back to reality and began summoning a horde of Crypt Fiends, giant spider-like creatures with the ability to burrow and hide themselves. I figured an amusing death for Chris would come the moment he left his base and all of his troops were halfway across the map that my spiders would spring out of the ground and attack his helpless workers. This plan didn’t go the way I had hoped when I realized that Chris’s army was content to just sit around the base and had no intention of leaving it.

Chris: My problem with these games is that the actual fighting is hardly more exciting than the building of a civilization. This being my first time playing the game, I found myself wanting to try everything on for size. And I loved the way the little guys were talking back to me every time I told them to move (although Glenn tried to deprive me of this by starting me on a muted computer). Maybe I would enjoy Farmville… NO, WHAT ARE THESE COMPUTER GAMES DOING TO ME?!

Glenn: Dear God… Chris is actually not doing too bad. He’s building things on his own, he’s trying new buildings and he’s even exploring the map and seizing new territory.

Chris: Well, I’ve got all of these knights just standing around. I should probably try to destroy something. Here goes nothing.

Glenn: Suddenly Chris and I were battling! It was a proud moment for me, seeing Chris send his units to attack mine. My little ginger is all grown up and commanding knights. However, the moment all his knights cleared out of his base my army of spiders sprung from the ground and began terrorizing his workers. In my elation of seeing Chris’s workers flee in terror and seeing his remaining foot soldiers scramble to save them, I forgot WHERE Chris had sent all of his knights… To my base.

Chris: As I watched my knights destroy Glenn’s zombies, a funny thing happened. Glenn’s face. I saw doubt creep across it. He had not anticipated his forces being taken down so easily, and for a second I thought he was actually worried I might pull off the first upset in Brawl history.

Glenn: How did I let this happen? I was reeling, carelessly flinging any and all units I had at Chris’s knights in a vain attempt to stop their rampage. I was full on freaking out… For about 10 seconds that is. Then I remembered that I had an entire second base that Chris was oblivious to. I ignored his attack on my base and focused on finishing him off. I continued to harass his home base with my spiders and eventually he wheeled his knights around and ran to save his base.

Chris: While my first attack was a smashing success, I really had no idea what to do after that. As soon as Glenn realized this, he started to fall back. I was toast.

Glenn: Chris started verbally rallying his surviving troops for a last stand. It was an inspiring moment. Then my spiders overwhelmed his heroes, knights and started burning his buildings to the ground. Victory was mine.

Chris: My last hero, Malak the Avenger, tried to take on 12 spiders. God bless him. He never lost hope and neither did I, but those arachnids were too much in the end. I guess Glenn earned his rightful place on the icy throne.

Glenn: Well technically speaking, the throne is only meant for the Lich King. But I appreciate the thought.

Chris: Come on man, you’re ruining all the frozen throne puns I had planned coming into this.

Glenn: Looks like this dish of revenge was served on a frozen platter.

Chris: Seriously?!