Chris: If you know me at all, you know that I have an unhealthy obsession with soccer. I constantly wear jerseys of my favorite players and teams, watch matches on television and through the Internet and stay up playing FIFA ‘13 until ungodly hours. But here’s the dirty secret: I’m really pretty awful at soccer. Just ask the Saudi Arabian students with whom I play on Wednesdays. Surely I’m good enough to beat Glenn in a penalty shootout though, right?

Glenn: Let’s just say the last time I played soccer was around the same time I was actively trading and playing Pokémon cards… From my vague memories I remember being better at soccer than I was at other sports but considering that I was consistently picked last for every sport I don’t think being slightly better at soccer would make a difference.

Chris: Since my freshman year, I have covered the Ashland’s men’s soccer team for The Collegian and developed decent reporter/player relationships with most of the players. As such, I decided to call in a favor for this week’s Brawl. The participants: AUMS goalkeeper Justin Nolan and midfielder Buster Meaney. The rules: we would have two simple penalty shootouts (one with Glenn and I kicking against Justin and the other with Buster kicking against us) where the person with the most combined goals and saves would be declared the winner.

Glenn: In the sports reporting class that I share with Buster and Chris I asked Buster what I should wear for this shootout. “Wear whatever you like,” Buster said. “Just be unique.” Whelp, Hawaiian shirt it is then.

Chris: Here’s what you need to know about penalty shootouts: they have consistently been known as the worst way any sport uses to determine a winner. Worse than football sudden death, worse than gymnastics judges.

Glenn: After our golf outing I gave up believing in Hope. I went into this game prepared to score zero points and to get kicked in the face multiple times.

Chris: Maybe it’s silly, but I’ve wanted to kick a soccer ball around on Ferguson Field since freshman year. Finally faced with the opportunity, I felt like a kid in a candy store. So much so that I kind of forgot this was a competition. I spent the first few minutes on the field juggling a soccer ball and having an all-around good time. Until…

Glenn: My practice kicks were basically wasted so I got ready to take my first shot. Common sense dictated that I try and aim at the corners of the goal. I hiked my leg back and fired off a kick… That somehow managed to make it into the goal unhindered. Jaws dropped. Silence fell onto the field.

Chris: I don’t know if Glenn knows how impressive his first shot was. I’ve watched Justin Nolan play in a lot of games and make a ton of saves. Two years ago, he won the Great Lakes Intercollegiate Athletic Conference tournament for the Eagles on a penalty save. But he was never going to save Glenn’s first-ever competitive soccer shot. Upper 90. Unsaveable. Why did I let Glenn go first? I proceeded to hit a weak shot to the left side of the goal that did not go anywhere near the corner and was easily saved.

Score: Glenn 1, Chris 0.

Glenn: I was not getting my hopes up. It was beginner’s luck. There’s no way I could ever do that again. As I set up for my second shot I thought I try to fake out Justin. I looked at the upper left side of the net and kicked the ball into the upper right side. As my second consecutive goal touched the net I saw something else touch Chris. Fear. All of the color tried to flee out of Chris’s horribly sunburned face but Chris was frozen. The tension was palpable…

Chris: “Ok, Chris,” I thought. “This is it. Lose this, and you might as well throw all of your jerseys and soccer books into a pile and burn them.” I’m not sure I was fully ready for the moment, but all of a sudden I was faced with a must-make penalty kick against a college goalkeeper. I’m proud to say that I smashed it into the top left corner of the goal. I’m not quite as proud to say that it was meant to go into the bottom left corner of the goal. Oh well.

Score: Glenn 2, Chris 1.

Glenn: As I lined up my third shot I heard words of encouragement floating their way to me. “Come on Glenn!” Buster said. For a moment I felt good about myself and my soccer skills. I took my third shot and it was wide. Like, horribly wide. I almost killed Elizabeth (a developing tradition) with my stray shot. I had found my biggest weakness… encouragement.

Suddenly it all made sense, when we were playing golf and Chris would tell me that I could do something, I almost certainly would fail at it.

Chris: Here’s another thing you need to know about penalty kicks: Englishmen are notoriously unlucky when it comes to making them. Buster rooting for Glenn was like the kiss of death. Still, I had to make my shot to tie it, and I failed. Justin made a really nice save as I tried to go left again.

Glenn: My fourth shot was straight towards the goal. More specifically the goalkeeper’s chest. Justin effortlessly caught the shot.

Chris: This time, I decided to mix it up and go right. My shot was weak, and Justin was ready for it. All of a sudden I had put Glenn in a position to beat me with one kick of the ball.

Glenn: The pressure was on. I gave my last shot my all. Which apparently was too much as it flew right, nowhere remotely near Justin, the goal or Ashland County for that matter. I choked, now I know how teams from Cleveland must feel.

Chris: Another must-make. This time, I picked my spot and hit it right down the middle as hard as I could. Luckily, Justin had guessed that I would kick it to the right side and dove out of the way (either that, or I kicked it so hard that he wanted nothing to do with trying to stop it. Doubtful.) GOAL! I saved face on that one, now it was on to trying to save Buster’s shots.

Score: Glenn 2, Chris 2.

Glenn: The downside of being a Jedi is that I have an inability to let myself get hit by things. In middle school dodgeball I was always the last one to get out because I am so agile, granted I could never throw, either. Playing goalie and trying to block kicks went against all the unconscious programming in my body. Naturally, as Buster took his first shot my body almost jumped in the opposite direction.

Chris: If by agile you mean fragile, then yes, you are fragile. Anyway, I take everything that I said about the English and penalty kicks back. Either that, or I can only assume Buster should be included in the roster for England’s national team for the 2014 World Cup. Glenn: I knew I would be horrible at this. I did not let myself down.

Chris: I got my hands to two kicks. The first one–my second attempt–Buster tried to put down the middle and I was in the way. Two kicks later I dove to my right and deflected a well-hit shot, but it went only as far as the left post before hitting the back of the net.

Score: Chris 3, Glenn 2.

Glenn: At least I touched the ball once. My hand hit the ball up into the net rather than out of the goal but hey, progress is progress.

Chris: I’ll take the win. I’ll also take a new pair of underwear. That was far too close.