Matt: We decided early in this series that at some point, Chris had to play Glenn in football. The problem: It’s very hard to play football in a one-on-one style.

As a student newspaper adviser, though, I pride myself in stepping up and being there when my students need me most, and in this instance, they needed a quarterback.

That is what led to the Bils Battishill Brawl, backyard football style, with yours truly acting as the all-time quarterback. In this endeavor, I learned three things about my newspaper staff. First, Glenn is incredibly out of shape. Secondly, Chris is a wimp. And finally, when it comes to sports, I mean actual, real sports that are played on grass, Chris will win. Always.

Chris: This week, we had our first injuries of the Bils Battishill Brawl. As we type this, my thumb is throbbing. Glenn might not recover for weeks. Before we get to what happened, let me just get on the record in saying that football is not that fun once you reach adulthood, even in the backyard variety.

Matt: Do you see what I mean? Wimp. Football is always fun. Even for 36-year-old professors.

Glenn: Football, my arch nemesis. Long have I despised football in all of its forms. Too many of my friends have ditched my birthday parties because Ohio State was playing, I’ve wasted too many Friday nights watching my high school’s football team lose and I am thoroughly sick of hearing about the Bengals, the Browns or whatever other team is “finally going to have their year.”

Chris: The rules were simple: a 30-by-10-yard field, one quarterback and one objective: to score five touchdowns before the other person. We went back-and-forth between whether to play tackle or two-hand touch, and ended up settling on “violent” touch (otherwise known has heavy-petting), where we would have to stop each other’s forward progress for the play to be ruled dead.

Glenn: I figured my severe weight advantage of Chris would allow me to steamroll over him when I had the ball and to stonewall him when he was carrying. This would have been a great strategy and probably would have worked if I was anywhere near as agile as Chris.

Chris: My strategy could not have been simpler. I may not run a sub-5 40-yard dash, but it’s safe to say that I run a sub-Glenn 40-yard dash. Deep every play, baby! Just throw it up.

Glenn: I don’t know what a majority of those terms mean.

Chris: I won the coin flip and chose to go on offense first. I blew by Glenn and ran towards the end zone, looking up for the throw from Matt. Let’s just say he’s no Ben Roethlisberger. I looked over my right shoulder, then whipped my head around to watch the ball fly five yards to my left. Second down.

Glenn: I just respect Chris’s privacy too much to get all up in his grill during the game. I would more or less just kinda hover around Chris and push him occasionally. I quickly realized that I had little chance of stopping Chris if he got the ball past my initial defenses.

Chris: On my second play, I decided to simplify things and catch a pass over the middle. It worked to perfection, except for the fact that I forgot how narrow the field was. I ran all the way to the end zone before realizing that I had run out of bounds around midfield. In an act of sportsmanship–I am a golfer after all–I called the play back.

Glenn: Trying to block Chris is just like that scene in “Rocky II” where he is chasing a chicken around an alleyway in order to increase his agility. He just kept slipping through my fingers.

Chris: After an incompletion on third down (as an avid Ochocinco fan, I blame my quarterback, always) I was faced with a pressure-packed fourth down. Fade route to the back corner was the play call, and we executed it to perfection. I jumped up and caught the ball to take the lead and start the beatdown.

Score: Chris 7, Glenn 0.

Matt: My strategy for Glenn, considering I didn’t think he would catch deep passes, was to have him run short routes so I could gently toss him the ball.

Glenn: “Take 5 steps, turn around and the ball will be waiting for you,” said Matt. Simple, I thought. I rocketed five steps to the left and turned around to catch the ball. Chris had been expecting me to go further so he took a few extra steps and had to turn around to try and block me. Matt’s pass landed squarely in my arms and I turned around and ran right into Chris’ waiting arms which counted as a tackle. 5 yards is better than no yards, right?

Chris: I had expected Glenn to gain zero yards, so I was a little perturbed. Like a true football player, I decided to take out my aggression on the next play. They decided on a run play, and as soon as I shook off Matt’s block I went to chase down Glenn. It took all of two steps. I wrapped my arms around him and body-slammed him to the turf.

Glenn: My hat and glasses flew off of my head and all the wind got knocked out of my chest. I just had to laugh. Chris tackled me. Me, the least capable wide receiver in the history of the sport and he had to physically take me down to the ground. I felt a little honored.

Matt: As an impartial observer, I would say the tackle was gratuitous. There should have been a flag for unnecessary roughness. I mean, it’s Glenn we’re talking about. He practically tackles himself when he walks to class every day.

Chris: OK, so it was a jerk move. But it was hilarious. Glenn needs a few grass stains on his clothes. It’s like when the Bubble Boy stepped outside for the first time and didn’t keel over and die. Glenn got tackled onto real grass and dirt, and he didn’t even get injured. I think…

Glenn: At the time of writing I currently cannot move my neck more than a few inches in any direction. Whiplash is the current term I believe. Not to mention that all of my muscles are sore from all that running.

Chris: I stopped Glenn on his first drive, despite playing worse defense than Lake Erie. On my second drive, I reactivated my original plan and ran a fade route down the left sideline. All Glenn saw was a red blur as I caught the ball on the run and proceeded to showboat the way No. 85 used to in Cincy. Spike in the end zone followed by a punt back towards my opponent. At this point my penalty yards should have exceeded my offensive output. Thank God for replacement refs.

Score: Chris 14, Glenn 0.

Matt: This is what you need to know about Glenn, the movie-buff. Watching him stand and try to catch a deep ball was like watching Smalls in “Sandlot” try and catch his first flyball. He stumbled backward a couple steps and nearly tripped. He didn’t fall, at least, but he also didn’t come anywhere near the ball.

Glenn: Before the second half I decided that I would get a drink and confer with my offense coach and roommate, Brian Young. “Grab the ball and run in a zig zag,” he offered. The Zig-Zag is a strategy I am familiar with, though admittedly I’m more accustom to dodging sniper fire rather than defensive players. My first play ended in disaster so I just told Matt that I would take ten steps and turn to catch the ball. I bolted ten steps and turned to catch the ball, Chris was there and ready to pick the ball. Much to everyone’s amazement, Chris missed the pick and the ball landed squarely in my arms. I cradled the ball and sprinted for the end zone. Chris was fast but I had too much of a lead on him. I made it to the end zone, spiked the ball and roared.

Chris: I’m actually glad I missed that pick. It meant that we got to see Glenn’s style of catching the ball, which let me just say is tremendous. And by tremendous, I mean that he does that thing every ten-year-old girl does when a dodgeball flies her way. Amazing.

Glenn: I’m glad I got that touchdown because my body just checked out of the game. Drive after drive Chris outran or out blocked me. He scored, I didn’t. It was just a fact of life.

Chris: On Glenn’s next drive, he got another hand off and Matt actually threw a decent block to spring him past me. Chasing from behind, I saw that Glenn was not holding the ball securely. Naturally, I wound up with all of my might to swat it out of his hands. Unfortunately, in doing so, my thumb smacked the nose of the football at full speed. OUCH!!! I thought for sure it was broken. However, the game had to go on.

Glenn: I was not letting this ball get turned over. I put what little strength I had left into stopping Chris from getting the fumbled ball. I shoved him with all of my hulk rage and surprisingly he toppled over. For once my weight paid off. In retrospect, this “amazing” defense probably had more to do with the intense pain in Chris’s hand and less to do with my rage.

Chris: Let it be known that I stopped Glenn from scoring on that drive AND made a one-handed catch on my next drive to widen the lead. Iron man.

Score: Chris 28, Glenn 7.

Chris: What’s a good game without a little controversy, right? Much to my surprise, Glenn caught another pass and I stopped him a few yards down the field. Or so I thought. BY THE RULES he should have been down. BY THE RULES, Matt was standing in front of Glenn when Glenn threw him the ball. BY THE RULES, there is no way this should have been ruled a touchdown. I stood there, mouth agape and arms raised, as Matt pitched the ball back to Glenn and he ran (or jogged, or waddled, whatever you want to call Glenn’s running style) into the end zone. I was too close to winning to care.

Score: Chris 28, Glenn 14.

Glenn: It was like the last act of resistance before inevitable defeat. I didn’t actually know what I’d done was illegal. And I was so out of breath I didn’t care. Chris’s last drive was actually remarkable because it confirmed my suspicions that I did in fact have telekinetic powers. I didn’t even bother to block Chris on his last drive. Chris should’ve gotten a touchdown on his first down. However, every pass just flopped out of his hands or was too far to one side. My Jedi powers were finally kicking in. Nevertheless on his last down Chris caught his pass and ran it in for a touchdown. Thank God, that was over.

Final Score: Chris 35, Glenn 14

NEXT WEEK

Glenn: Because I consider myself something of a nice guy I’m not forcing Chris to play “Halo 3” against me by himself. He will have Features Editor, Melanie Sudar, and Design Editor, Tyler Remmel, watching his back.

Three against one aren’t exactly fair odds but considering that Tyler’s friends “don’t let him play anymore” and Melanie says she spends most of her time looking at the floor in videogames I don’t really feel threatened.