Glenn: For our final video game brawl of the semester I didn’t just choose another first person shooter; I chose THE first person shooter. The veritable gold standard of FPS games by which every subsequent FPS is judged. “Goldeneye.”

This game is what many people in my generation look back on with rose-colored glasses the same way that old people look back on “The Andy Griffith Show” and its wholesome family values. I was very excited going into this game although I hadn’t played “Goldeneye” since I was in middle school, a whopping eight years ago. I was sure I would pick it back up after a few seconds, just like riding a bike.

Chris: I’m from the same generation as you, right? Because I’m pretty sure I maybe played this game once and never picked it up again. Mainly because I sucked at it. This was the precursor to every other first-person shooter experience I’ve had in my life, which is fitting, because all I remember from “Goldeneye” is the blood flowing down the screen as I was killed… again and again and again.

Glenn: History was about to repeat itself in this bloodbath. I set the score limit at 10, picked the level “Facility” because it was the only one my friends and I ever played, and just to give Chris a little bit of a chance I picked the weapon set “Golden Gun” which is a mix of pistols, machine guns and a golden gun that is a one-shot-kill.

I hit the start button and was instantly teleported back in time. The music, the horrible graphics and the incredibly awkward N64 controller. I almost shed a tear for a minute. Then I picked up the Soviet machine gun and started patrolling the map trying to remember where the Golden Gun spawns.

Chris: I knew I was in trouble as soon as I began trying to move. One of the biggest gaps in my life is the fact that I never owned an N64, nor did many of my friends. While most people my age pick up an N64 controller and use the stick with the fluency of a writing utensil, to me it just feels like someone stuck a game piece from “Sorry” into an odd-shaped piece of plastic. That thing is useless. Also, I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t have a gun.

Glenn: In retrospect, no one thinks the N64 controller was a good idea. To use all of the buttons on the N64 controller you need three hands. Obviously, since not very many people have three hands it is just an awkward hunk of plastic. “Goldeneye” wasn’t the first FPS but it was one of the more popular local multiplayer games. The problem with going back and playing it, is that no one in 1997 really knew how first person shooters were supposed to handle a controller. The resulting control scheme is… frustrating to say the least.

Chris: And I still didn’t have a gun. What the heck? All my guy seemed to want to do was do some kind of odd British robot-style karate chop that I could tell right away was nowhere near lethal. Before I could figure out what to do next, I saw Glenn’s character pop into my screen carrying a pistol.

Glenn: By this point I was already holding my third gun. I went to shoot Chris dead with my machine gun when a funny thing happened. I pulled the trigger and started spraying bullets everywhere. Seriously, I shot the window behind Chris more that I shot him. The aim assist system that “Goldeneye” uses is sloppy at best and I had to get all up in Chris’s face just to make my bullets go where they were supposed to.

Chris: Not that it mattered. I fared about as well in that situation as I would if someone stuck a real gun in my face while I’m checking Twitter on my phone (seriously, oblivious). There goes that river of blood that I remember so vividly.

Score: Glenn 1, Chris 0.

Glenn: I was scanning my memory banks for the Golden Gun’s spawn on this level. I’m pretty sure I just sat there for about 20 seconds while my brain dialed up the archived 1997 files relevant to this game. Then I noticed Chris at the end of the hallway I was in helplessly running against a door apparently oblivious to the fact that you have to press a button to open it. I switched to one of my pistols and quickly dispatched him.

Score: Glenn 2, Chris 0.

Chris: This is about the time that I realized my fatal flaw when it comes to first person shooter games (OK, fine, one of many fatal flaws. I’m not sure I have an attribute when it comes to these games that wouldn’t be considered a fatal flaw). I try to play all of them like I’m playing Halo. The problem: that doesn’t even work when I’m playing Halo. How did I figure this out? Well, I looked down and my right thumb was apparently trying to move an imaginary analog stick that wasn’t there.

Glenn: Fans of this series will remember that Chris clumsily injured his thumb over a month or so when we played football. He has not stopped complaining about his sprained thumb since. This excuse doesn’t work for “Goldeneye” however because of the way the controller is laid out. You can seriously play the entire game fluidly and without much difficulty with only one hand. In the interest of fairness I put my right hand in the air and set about the battlefield with only my left hand.

Chris: I remembered Glenn muttering something about a Golden Gun, but I had no idea what it was or how important it was until I saw the glee spread across his face when he finally found it.

Glenn: The Golden Gun is the equalizer. A weapon designed to give novice players a chance against the better players. It only takes one bullet to kill someone but it only comes with three bullets at a time. I was ecstatic when I remembered that the gun was in the upstairs bathroom. I raced there unopposed. (I actually passed Chris but he was running in a strange circle at the time and didn’t seem to notice me so I let him be). As I equipped the ultimate weapon an evil smile spread across my face.

Chris was doing better now and had managed to find and equip a machine gun. He had just enough time to see me before I shot him squarely between the eyes.

Score: Glenn 3, Chris 0.

Chris: We were not even halfway through this game and already I knew it was a failure. A really, really bad failure. All I could do at this point was try to get a kill to save face. Easier said than done.

Glenn: In the interest of fairness I shot my remaining golden bullets into the wall, rendering my Golden Gun useless. I decided I was going to go medieval on Chris. I put all my guns away and resolved to karate chop Chris to death. Chris sensed my intent, and whether he meant to or not, he put his guns away and began chopping away at me as well.

They say strangulation is the most personal kind of murder. Whoever said that clearly never tried karate chopping someone to death. This game has the most inelegant karate chop in the history of time. It’s like trying to beat someone to death with a trout.

Chris: Not to mention that we spent half the time just spinning in circles trying to get the other person within view, which resulted in moments where I’m fairly sure we were facing back-to-back and karate chopping at thin air.

Glenn: Like I said, fighting with fish. Eventually, I prevailed and fatally chopped Chris in the back of the neck. After this, the game became pretty routine; I would wait for Chris to get a gun, I would run straight at him from the other side of the hall and gun him down. My kills were racking up and Chris was still pointless.

Chris: Pointless. I can’t think of a better description of my performance this week. I could have literally sat down the controller at the beginning, gone and watched the college basketball 24-hour marathon and then come back half an hour later and the result would have been the same.

Glenn: But it wouldn’t have been nearly as fun! As I neared my last kill I guided Chris to the Golden Gun, intent on letting him get at least one kill. I resolved that I would slap Chris to death again but this time he would have the perfect weapon against my bare fists. I ran straight at Chris begging for him to shoot me while my arms slapped him to death. He missed. I slapped. He missed again. I continued slapping him. He missed with his third and final bullet and I karate chopped him right in the nose. Game Over.

Score: Glenn 10, Chris 0.

Chris: Even I know that “Goldeneye,” when compared to the games that came after it, sucks. The controls are terrible, trying to aim at your opponent is infuriating and the graphics are so bad that at times I thought I was walking on the ceiling.

Glenn: Even I struggled with the controls on this one. Over a decade of the standardized FPS controller layout made it really difficult for me to get used to the stupid layout of the N64 controller. I guess rose-colored glasses don’t make “Goldeneye” any better and they certainly don’t make “The Andy Griffith Show” funny.