Chris: This was a very important week for the Brawl. We’re talking Super Bowl/NBA Finals/World Cup-level importance. I had just beaten Glenn in “Forza Motorsport 4”–the first real upset of the brawl–and he was out for revenge. As they say, revenge is a plate best served on a greasy wooden floor usually used by chain-smokers and alcoholics on the weekends. Is that not what they say? Well, we went bowling anyway.

Glenn: Honestly, bowling is the sport I’ve probably done the most. My parents were in a bowling league when I was younger and I used to bowl in high school with my friends every once in a long while. My general rule for bowling is that when I do well, I do very well. When I suck, I really suck.

Chris: I also have a general rule for bowling: try not to hold onto the ball too long and go flying down the lane. Just kidding, I’ve always wanted to try that. In all seriousness though, I rarely bowl. Most of my bowling experiences have come as part of a failed attempt at family fun (half of us are too competitive, the other half not competitive enough) or part of an even less successful date. Needless to say, I was in the friend zone long before I decided to take her bowling. Nevertheless, I felt confident in my ability to annihilate Glenn at this sad excuse for a sport.

Glenn: When Chris picked bowling I felt a little glimmer of hope. Chris had said to me that I’ve probably been bowling more than he had and for a few minutes I honestly believed that. When we got to the actual bowling alley and I squeezed into my shoes I got into the zone (as much as I can for a sport). 

Chris: I am just going to use this space to profess my love for bowling shoes. I even love the idea of bowling shoes. It is so utterly ridiculous that a sport that involves taking less than five carefully measured steps across a flat surface requires special shoes. Yet somehow, they are one of my favorite pieces of sporting equipment. It doesn’t matter that I will probably catch some kind of foot fungus, I spend most of my time at the bowling alley staring at the lightweight piece-of-crap things on my feet that I’m fairly sure were invented just so bowling alleys can make money. Bowling shoes are the best.

Glenn: This is the first game of bowling in a long time that I played in shoes that fit normally. Usually, I tell the clerk my shoe size and I end up bowling in clown shoes. This, paired with my general disinterest in sports, has prevented me from ever becoming a serious bowler. As we set up the game we entered our name, picked the “happy birthday” setting and began our duel.

Chris: We originally tried to select the “Christmas” setting, but the darn bowling alley keypad took us to “happy birthday.” The reason I jumped at the chance to play Christmas-themed bowling is that it made me think of my favorite free-download early-2000s PC game of all time. That’s right: “Elf Bowling.” If you never played “Elf Bowling” (or subsequent versions, one which controversially featured Mrs. Claus’s bra as a slingshot), I suggest you go to Google and get yourself caught up right away.

Glenn: This is the big difference between Chris and I. He spent the early 2000’s learning how to bowl with elves. I was building and commanding armies and working part time as Spider-man. Every time a game made me play an arbitrary bowling mini-game I would roll my eyes and scoff, mostly because bowling is way too easy when you can perfectly aim the ball with a mouse.

Chris: Arbitrary bowling mini-game? “Elf Bowling” was every 12-year-old’s dream. You got to mow down elves as they screamed insults at you! Ok, so maybe it doesn’t sound as cool in retrospect, but it was definitely a seasonal hobby of mine for a couple of adolescent years. 

Glenn: And people call me a virgin…

Regardless of whether we bowled with elves or beat up the Green Goblin as kids it was time to face off in the actual bowling alley. I went first because I’m not a ginger. I did my best Fred Flintstone and the ball flew towards the pins. I got 4 pins. We were off to a great start.

Chris: I never know what ball to choose when I bowl. Inevitably, the only choices are a 10-pound childrens’ ball with finger holes that make it so the only thing you’re hoping to spare is your fingers rolling down the lane or a ball that I’m fairly sure was at one time used in the “World’s Strongest Man” competition. Macho man that I am, I chose the weight lifter’s ball and hurled it down the lane, knocking down nine pins.

Glenn: I was much better on my second frame slicing through 7 pins and leaving only a group of 3 huddle together in the back left corner. My second ball narrowly missed scoring me a spare but the two pins I did get put my score up to 13.

Chris: I knew if I could get out to a good start I could shatter Glenn’s confidence and the rest of the game would be cake. In the second frame, I did exactly that. I rolled my hefty ball straight down the middle and struck the middle pin. Rather than watch the pins fall, I chose to turn around at watch Glenn’s face fall. Strike!

Glenn: Yeah, I pretty much mentally quit right then. I know enough about bowling to know that a strike would shoot Chris’ score to a level that I probably couldn’t climb up to. Then I bowled a spare in the third frame. Wonders never cease.

Chris: I also bowled a spare in the third frame, which sent what little confidence Glenn had just gained packing. Let the bowling trash talk begin.

Glenn: I bowled an 8 in the fourth frame, which was nice but with Chris’ score piling up I really didn’t think I could salvage this game anymore. I just wanted to go home and continue with my “West Wing” and “Far Cry 3” marathon.

Chris: On the weekend of Michael Jordan’s 50th birthday, I decided to use what I learned from the greatest athlete of all time. It didn’t even really matter what I did the rest of the game as long as I won the mental game. Remaining confident and making sure Glenn wasn’t, were the biggest tools I had at my disposal. I started using his ball and blaming it for my misfortunes. I stared Glenn down every time he rolled a ball into the gutter. 

Glenn: Which was often as I would go on to roll a gutter ball in the fifth, seventh, eighth, ninth and tenth frame. It still amazes me that I managed to score 68 points when the game concluded.

Chris: So I bowled a 103. Not exactly Pro Bowling Association material. But I won. And since I was honoring MJ with a random game of bowling late on a Friday night in February, winning was all that mattered. Thanks for the inspiration, Mike.