I’ve always had a clear vision of what I wanted to accomplish with the Secret Menu. To boldly go where no man has gone before.

Generally, I try to do this by loading as many greasy things into a single greasy mass. Health is never a worry. I have the rare (but wonderful) trait of possessing a metabolism that can handle the fat without a hiccup.

Generally, I have no regrets.

This week is a bit different.

As I am writing this, it is Tuesday night, one night before competition begins at the GLIAC Swimming and Diving Championships.

And it’s my last conference meet, at that.

So, in a rare change of fashion, I’m going on a health kick with this week’s Secret Menu. It’s salad time. I have to admit, I’m not used to hitting the salad bar at Convo. I’ve only done it a few times, and more often than not those times have been to get lettuce or spinach for a sandwich or burger.

I am by no means a seasoned veteran. I do, however, want it. To say that I want to change my ways is a bit much, but I do want to change them for now, in the name of swimming fast.

With this salad, I wanted to keep a few constants; it still needed to be outrageous, extraordinary,and large. I was still hungry, after all.

I wanted to incorporate as many colors as possible. I thought that the mesclun greens would be perfect since they have purple and green in the deepest shades.

Nope. Spinach had to do. I tossed on top some corn, some red onions, some cabbage, some carrots and some marinated tomatoes.

I didn’t have any idea how to make a salad outrageous. So I cut up a burger and mixed it into the salad, and I combined ketchup and mustard to use as dressing.

Elizabeth and Melanie were not impressed. I made nothing of their criticism.

Digging in, I thought it was all right. It was sweet from the dressing and had a little bite from the onion.

Then, it hit me. It felt like a kick to the stomach, literally. It started wrenching.

I felt sick.

Now, while I don’t eat incredibly healthy, I also don’t eat like I do for the Secret Menu at each meal.

Maybe my mistake was eating vegetables at two meals during the day. I hope that wasn’t the case.

This was the most uncomfortable that I’ve ever been during a Secret Menu.

It wasn’t until after I ate three slices of garlic bread and a bowl of oatmeal where I felt all right again.

What was it that I was saying earlier about wanting to go healthy? No, not anymore. That ended fast.

Normally, I would count the number of calories and fat and protein in what I made. I don’t feel like it, nor do I feel like it’s right.

Isn’t the point of being healthy that you don’t need to worry about counting?

I’m probably wrong.