Glenn: This week’s Brawl, fencing, is possibly the most strategic sport. It is a sport of cunning, wits and speed. It’s all about mixing your attacks with your parrys and following those parrys with a riposte. It’s a sophisticated sport and one I’ve actually played a fair bit of. When I was a freshman I was very involved with the fencing club. Naturally, when we picked this sport for this week’s brawl I got very excited. I am a master of lightsaber technique, I’ve seen “Star Wars” more times than is humanly possible, and can rattle off the pros, cons and counters to each of the seven primary lightsaber disciplines.

We strolled up to the checkout counter at the Rec and asked for fencing stuff, only to discover that you have to be a member of the fencing team in order to check out the equipment.

So we played lacrosse 1v1 against our photographer, Elizabeth Bucheit, to see who could score more points.

Chris: Phew. I dodged that bullet. Since this was a sports week and we were going to do fencing, Glenn was clearly in position for an upset. I hoped that my reflexes (nowhere near quick, but light years faster than Glenn’s), might give me a slight advantage, but I knew it would be an uphill battle since he had the technique down. When the woman at the Rec said we couldn’t have the fencing stuff, I did a silent fist pump and breathed a sigh of relief. 

Glenn: It’s just too bad that light years are a measure of distance, not speed.

Chris: Whatever, Glenn. Like anyone reading this cares about your useless knowledge. *goes back to thinking about college basketball and drooling on desk*

Elizabeth: After playing lacrosse for six years now, I suggested to the guys that they give women’s lacrosse a shot for this week’s brawl. The sticks were the closest thing they were going to get to a saber, and neither of them had ever played lacrosse. So actually, when it comes down to it, neither of them had any knowledge about the task at hand for this brawl.

Glenn: The minute that I knew fencing was off the table my heart sank. I was hoping for a victory at a sport and it looked like I’d have to muddle through another humiliating sport. The only hope I had was that lacrosse is a game played with sticks, and those are kind of like the double-bladed lightsaber I had in my youth. That probably counts for nothing though since I’m not trying to fight two people at once…

Elizabeth: Before we were even on the MAC court, I could see the confusion in their eyes. It was classic entertainment. Chris looked terrified. Glenn had a glimmer of hope in his eye. When we got to the court, I tried to explain to them a few basics: cradling, throwing and catching. Keyword: tried. The tricky thing about a women’s lacrosse stick is that there is no pocket. In order for the ball to stay in the stick when you’re moving, you have to cradle (rocking the stick with a slight twist of the wrist to stabilize the ball). Otherwise you’re well, screwed. Glenn instantly gave up hope for himself, while Chris was determined to master these skills to ensure his victory.

Glenn: Look, I spent the better part of last week mastering the intricacies of a halberd in “Dark Souls.” I have met my mental capacity for learning for this month. 

Chris: Meanwhile, my brain is so filled with names of star forwards from Bucknell and which college basketball coaches have the better superstitions that I can hardly keep from walking in the pattern of a bracket. March madness has taken full hold of me. I still don’t know what a Billiken is, though. Anyone?

Glenn: Tomayto, tomahto.

Elizabeth: To start off our game of one-on-one, we had a draw just like they do in a regular women’s game. I tried to explain some of the rules in advance, but there are so many real rules that I tried to keep it simple, too. I think they forgot them. Or they just straight didn’t care and were willing to do whatever possible to beat me, and each other. Rule 1: Don’t hit the other person in the head while trying to check their stick. After already having five concussions (the people that know me are never surprised to hear that) getting hit on the head again is literally the last thing I need to happen. Rule 2: Check away from the other person’s body. Rule 3: After a scored goal or a turnover you have to take the ball back to half court. Game on.

Chris: This is where things started to take a drastic turn. I knew it was going to be extremely difficult to score on the veteran Elizabeth, but I figured I had a better chance than Glenn. The worst mistake I made happened before the game even started. I decided to go first. My hope was to try to intimidate Glenn by scoring at least two goals and make him give up hope before he got on the court. Instead, the opposite happened.

Elizabeth: Well, I won the draw but when I took off down the court my stick suddenly felt weird. Apparently I went out a little too cocky (considering I haven’t played in months) because the ball had fallen out of my stick. I immediately heard my mom quoting Pat Summit in my head “make every possession count, E!” Simply put…time to stop slacking. I’m too competitive for this crap.

Chris: Why in the world did I wear jeans? I would say that I wanted to make the playing field level because Glenn does not own a pair of shorts and his legs have not seen the sun since… birth? Was he born in jeans? But the truth is that I went straight from dinner to the Rec and did not have time to change. Needless to say, I did not think it would be a huge problem in an athletic competition with Glenn. Wrong.

Elizabeth: Chris scored on his first possession…well kind of. He shot the ball practically from half court. ILLEGAL. 

Chris: Shooting from long range is, well, it’s what I do. I have basically never stepped inside the 3-point line in basketball, and I prefer to fire from outside the box in soccer. You can’t shoot from deep in lacrosse? What is this crap?! Flustered is an understatement.

Elizabeth: Regardless of what society says because I’m a ginger…I do have a soul. I gave Chris the point anyway and took the ball up to half court. This time I went right, dodged left, and scored. I think I felt Chris’s heart sink into his stomach. Then I felt that feeling two more times after pulling the same move. And scoring. Both times.

Score: Elizabeth 3, Chris 1

Chris: Defense has never been my strength. In anything. 

Elizabeth: His biggest downfall. I play defense.

Chris: Has Aaron Craft taught me nothing???? 

Elizabeth: Apparently not. But yet you call yourself a fan…

Chris: Lacrosse is way harder than it looks. Throwing the ball was actually easier than I thought, but it’s so hard to keep the ball in the pocket. Every time I got moving fast or tried to make a move around Elizabeth, the ball fell to the ground and she got it. And scored. I only got one more legitimate shot off and it went wide. Epic fail. My only hope was that Glenn was worse than I was.

Score: Elizabeth 5, Chris 1

Glenn: I stepped onto the court and flourished my stick. A pointless, but comforting gesture. I stood opposite Elizabeth, took a deep breath and prepared to be beat by a ginger again…

Elizabeth: If you still don’t believe that I have a soul, get this, I let Glenn start with the ball out of the kindness in my heart.

Glenn: I darted to the right trying to cross the shooting line but Elizabeth is so much swifter than me and easily knocked the ball out of my stick and onto the floor. She quickly recovered the ball, shot and scored. Yeah, so much for this.

Score: Elizabeth 1, Glenn 0

Elizabeth: Glenn’s next attempt actually impressed me. He did a quick little spin move on the left side of the court, gained a step on me, took a second to think about shooting (I could see him thinking “well, why not”) and the next thing I knew the ball was in the net.

Score: Elizabeth 1, Glenn 1

Glenn: No one was more surprised than me. I actually walked back to half court expecting that goal not to count. When Elizabeth informed me that it was, in fact, a decent goal I threw my stick to the side and raised my hands in triumph. 

Elizabeth: At this point, I was practically on the floor laughing at his own reaction. I couldn’t help but think that making me laugh that hard was part of some big plot to distract me. It worked. He scored, again.

Glenn: Good enough. I didn’t even care anymore. I was so happy that I had (sort of) beaten Chris at a sport. I tried to score more points against Elizabeth but quickly discovered that my body can really only handle three protracted possessions. I was out of breath, relying on some Tai Chi to steady my heart. Elizabeth kindly gave me a moment to catch my breath. 

Elizabeth: This is where my competitive side comes in. I knew I had to end the game quickly, one because if I didn’t I think Glenn would have collapsed on the court and two, because flag football was about to start a game. Little did Glenn know that he would be running harder in these next four possessions than he had all game. I scored, he turned the ball over. This happened three more times. Poor Glenn.

Glenn: When Elizabeth scored her final goal I was just relieved that I could breathe again. I was overcome with happiness but not quite sure if that had actually just happened. I kept waiting for some call or judgement to come down that says my two goals were void. My heart returned to its normal pace and I exited the MAC court as the victor for the first time in my life.

Chris: All I could think of was how much crap I’m going to get from my friends when they see that I lost. It nearly made me sick to my stomach. I’m not saying Elizabeth played softer defense on Glenn than she did on me, but even Matt Sylvester thought he was wide open on that first goal.

Elizabeth: Wait, wasn’t I technically the victor? I’m confused. This is what happens when you’re a girl AND a ginger.

Glenn: Next time we play “Dance Central 2,” a game I bought as a gag gift for my brother, then got really good at. But it involves moving around and physical activity, so that’s new.