For the third installment of the “Secret Menu,” I returned to McDonalds and ordered a first.

“In all the years I have worked here,” the McDonald’s manager said, “I have never had someone order that.” Pretty impressive coming from the manager, I’d say.

I couldn’t decide what to eat, so I combined everything into one sandwich: the Land, Air and Sea burger, comprised of two buns, one beef patty, one chicken patty, one piece of fish, lettuce and mayonnaise.

After being perfectly clear about my order, they still messed it up, but in a good way. Not only did I get the Land, Air and Sea burger, but an extra beef patty accompanied by another piece of fish. Why? Because they knew I was a man from America, that’s why.

Now don’t get me wrong; I like beef, chicken and fish, but all three should not be combined. For example, I like peanut butter and I love steak. That doesn’t mean I would ever eat a peanut butter steak. Some things just don’t mix, and this turned out to be a damn good example.

After placing the extra piece of beef and fish on the burger, I sized it up and quickly realized my mouth simply wasn’t big enough. If I was driving and lost, would I stop for directions? No, so no way I’m not going to try to stick this entire burger in my mouth.

Turns out I should stop for directions because, after stretching my mouth to fit the burger, I actually had a muscle under my tongue cramp up. It was like having your star player go down during the first play. But don’t worry; there’s no way I’m going down in week three.

Without a doubt, the fish was the worst part of the sandwich. It might be the fact that McDonalds’ fish might not even be fish, but that’s neither here nor there.

Halfway through the sandwich, the bottom bun already crapped out on me. Somehow I ate the entire bottom bun with half the sandwich still to go.

However, after the scare of the first bite and technical bun difficulties, I found a groove and took down the burger, as well as the fry and root beer henchmen.

The quantity of the sandwich wasn’t as bad as the taste. Finishing it wasn’t nearly as hard as the Suicide Burger was, but the combination of beef, chicken and fish(?) was awful.

Sure I could finish another one, but wouldn’t, unless generous compensation was provided. Take out the fish and McDonald’s has themselves a pretty good sandwich. For a final grade, I’ll say D- for McDonald’s McLetMeDown.