After their crowd-pleasing stand-up performance at Ashland University over homecoming weekend, the Sklar brothers sat down for an in-depth interview (much of which was featured in the Oct. 7 issue of The Collegian and can still be read on the website).

Toward the end of the conversation, Randy and Jason Sklar were asked to assume the roles of consultants for AU and give their take on hot campus topics as well as other areas where their advice could provide improvements.

The Sklars were more than happy to take on the challenge.

The consultations began with AU’s Internet connectivity issues, specifically with their effects on students’ ability to browse popular websites.

The Sklars’ response?

They suggested seeking out offline alternatives.

“Real life Facebook and real life porn.”

“I know before Facebook, there was face time,” Jason noted.

The Sklars went into detail about how to satisfy the campus’s Facebook fix.

“If one night a week or one night a month you could do this live Facebook night, where you can friend new people physically,” Randy said.

“You actually interact with them,” Jason said. “You can actually send them a message; you could actually poke them,” Jason said.

The Sklars planned this out in response to the next generation of kids growing up now and the amount of technology they’ve had their whole lives so far.

“There are kids who are like 12 years old and are like, ‘I have 400 friends.’ No, you don’t,” Jason said.

“You do not have 400 friends. You probably have three friends and you’re lucky to have three friends, but no one understands what a friend means anymore.”

As for the live porn, Randy had a solution.

“I understand this is a religious school, so how about this: What would be really fun and a hilarious night of comedy would be for someone to get the scripts from several pornos and have a theatre company act them out,” he said.

“Clothes on, act them out, no sex, and then someone could pop out and be like, ‘sex scene would be here.'”

Next, the Sklars tackled the housing issue, with several students having arrived to campus without a set room.

Jason provided a short response: “Let in less people.”

He followed up with an extended solution for those without housing: “You should get two sociology credits to sleep in your car.”

Randy added to that: “You should get a special car pass, you get in and you can shower wherever you want, you can take food from the food hall, you can do whatever you want.”

“You’re like a volunteer homeless person,” Jason said.

The Sklars were made aware of President Dr. Fred Finks and his great accessibility to students. They were then asked for suggestions as to how he could be even more accessible to students.

“Slumber parties,” Randy advised. “Have him carry a sleeping bag around and he decides where he wants to crash for the night.”

Jason predicted students’ potential response to this bold move: “‘Where’s the president?’ ‘He’s in the back of that station wagon.'”

Randy soon realized that impromptu slumber parties with students might not work out.

“I don’t know how much his family would dig him being more accessible,” he said.

Chat Roulette was then suggested as an alternate solution and The Sklars embraced the idea.

“I think he should be the one guy in Chat Roulette who’s wearing too many clothes,” Randy said. “He’s got a jacket over a jacket; he’s got a blazer over a parka.”

Finally, The Sklars were asked to consult on the current look of Tuffy the Eagle.

“He’s got dead eyes and saggy arms,” Randy noted while looking at a picture of Tuffy.

“He’s got a thousand-yard stare,” Jason added.

“I bet if you took the head off, you would smell Doritos, tequila and a whole lot of regret.”

Randy noted that Tuffy does not look that tough and should be more aptly named “Fluffy the Eagle.”

The pair then quickly came up with a way to make Tuffy more bad-ass: “We need to give him a cross bow and we need to give him a cross bow right now.”

The Sklars suggested giving him tattoos, including a stomach tattoo that says “Sublime,” and a faux-hawk hair style.

“He needs a tattoo of a tear under his eye, a teardrop,” Jason said. “That means, ‘I killed someone in prison.'”

Randy imagined a more menacing Tuffy with a tear-drop tattoo: “‘When I was up the river, when I was in the clink, I put someone out. You don’t wanna mess with me.'”

This enlightening, free-of-charge consultation from the twin comics proved to be insightful. Now, the ball is in AU’s court to see if these changes could make the university even better.