Back when you were a kid, Halloween was about one thing, and one thing only: candy. Reese’s, Snickers, Sour Patch, Nerds, 3 Musketeers, Skittles, bottom-of-the-bag Tootsie Rolls, you name it, all of it was ingested to give you a sugar high that could last up to 12 hours.

Flash forward to college. You’re going to a Halloween party, and you can’t wait to…eat lots of candy? Of course not! You can’t wait to show off your costume, which you probably purchased at Halloween City in Mansfield.

This story is still innocent; kids, after all, look forward to parading around in their costumes too. But let’s assume you’re female. And it just so happens that you got your costume in the “Adult” section. After browsing the wide selection of prostitute versions of cops, nurses and other careers that have just been devalued, you select the one revealing the most amount of cleavage and continue on your merry way, certain that you’re going to have one of the best costumes at the party.

Now I’m willing to bet that, despite the unsettling amount of “sexy” costumes out there, every girl who selects that kind of outfit is sure to find several girls who share the same taste. That’s a lot of hooker-clad people perusing the streets.

So forget about the Starburst, you’re onto bigger and better things. Like drinking Mike’s Hard and flaunting that new outfit (or a lack of one).

Halloween becomes that one time of year when it’s acceptable to be the slut you always wanted to. No one can call you out on your eyebrow-raising choices because dressing promiscuously is the norm for any female past childhood. No wait, they have outfits for that age group too.

But I’m going focus my attention on the college-age kids, since I’m sure I’ll be seeing simply too much when Sunday rolls along. If I can prevent at least one person from dressing like a dancer from Top Hat, then this is worth it.

To start, I have seen costumes that have turned innocent outfits into carefully-placed scraps that put Lady Gaga to shame. If you can think of any uniform required for a job, there’s a slutty version of it: “Sexy Pizza Delivery Gal” and “Sexy Clown” are among the most obnoxious, let alone disturbing. Of course, “Sexy Schoolgirl” will always have a special place in my heart, right in the “absolute revulsion” chamber.

But why stop at career-related outfits? Any noun you can fathom has a slutty Siamese twin. “Sexy Bumblebee,” “Sexy Sea Wench,” and “Sexy Tater Tot” come to mind.

If you’re still not satisfied with the evidence that there are too many costumes put to abuse, consider the ones that depict the “sexy” version of Brian from “Family Guy,” sexy SpongeBob and sexy Nemo from Disney’s beloved computer-animated movie. Yes, they do exist.

So basically, this confirms that people have lost their minds. I guess I’m still wondering why anyone would choose to dress like the hooker version of a character off a children’s cartoon show and pay a shameful amount of money for it. I’m also still trying to understand why any of the aforementioned costumes, and countless more, are even “sexy” to begin with.

Now I would go on to the inappropriate male costumes, but then I realized there really isn’t anything out there that can be defined as “slutty.” Is there such a thing? No, that privilege, as far as I’m aware, is only reserved for us lucky ladies.

So to all the guys, I can cram my advice into just one simple sentence: If it involves fur, pimp hats or genitalia, then don’t do it. Just walk away.