I have a pathological need to not do work until the last possible second. As I type this, it’s two in the morning on a Sunday…night? Monday morning? This is an age-old fight that I’m tired of dealing with. Continuing on: My procrastination is a problem because all Collegian stories are due Sunday by midnight and it’s now …night? Early morning? Crap.

As I type this, I’m only too painfully aware that I also have an entire Collegian article due, which probably will not get done until Monday between the hours of one and three in the afternoon. God love my managing editor and the way she just deals with me. If she were a drinker, I probably would have turned her into an alcoholic by now. Thankfully, she isn’t, so I think I have just turned her into a professional eye roller. Yeah, that’s a real thing.

So why do I always hold off until the last minute, when it would just be easier to focus and get my assignments out of the way as quickly as possible? I don’t know. Maybe it’s because a Law and Order: SVU marathon is on and that’s an obvious must-see.

Maybe it’s because there is a bar open until two in the morning and I turned 21 this semester. Maybe it’s because I have senioritis as a junior. Maybe it’s because my nails are chipped and I can’t bear to see ugly nails typing on the keyboard. Maybe it’s because my Pandora station just cannot get the correct music flowing. Maybe it’s because my cousin and cousin-in-law are having an epic throwdown, using Facebook only. Maybe it’s because I’m wearing too many rings, and they are making my fingers heavy and unable to type. Maybe it’s because it’s too hot in the room and so I need to take a half an hour to do something with my hair so that it is off my neck.

Why do any of us hold off on homework? …I forgot my original answer to this question, because Miley Cyrus came on my Pandora and I obviously had to correct that instantly.

After I thumbs-downed what sounded like a cat being killed, Rihanna’s “Love the Way You Lie: Part Two” came on so I had to have an aggressive dance party with myself for a good four minutes before returning to my computer.

But as I looked down to type the answer, I realized that two of my nails were chipped. Thankfully, I had prepared for this catastrophe and I had brought my nail polish with me to the Collegian office.

So I painted over my nails and then put an extra coat on, just in case.

While I was completing the second coat, I got caught staring at my engagement ring for a good three minutes.

It’s. Just. So. Shiny.

Then I became distracted, because there are little green squiggly lines underneath “So.Shiny.” because it’s a fragment, but there are not green squiggly lines underneath “It’s. Just.” and this makes absolutely no sense, because that is also a fragment.

Then I checked Twitter and got into a tweet battle with a hostile ginger who shall remain nameless for his own protection. Don’t worry Mark Horton, I will never tell them who you are.

Then “Bottoms Up” came on my Pandora, and I became so inspired that I just had to leave to go to the bar for a quick shot. Or two. Or nine.

Okay, so this is slightly exaggerated and obviously didn’t happen. I don’t listen to “Bottoms Up” because I don’t enjoy getting yelled at by Nicki Minaj. She is rude and will never be one of my cell phone ringtones. Yeah, I stick it to the man like that.

But in all seriousness now, why don’t I possess the ability to be an over-achiever? Or even just an on-timer? Is that a word? It is now. I think I’m going to chain myself to Amanda Eakin because she has this secret power locked down. She has proclaimed herself to be a SAD student and I actually witnessed her turning in a paper that wasn’t due for a whole month. If you read her column last week, you should know what I’m talking about. She is clearly a God amongst mere mortals.

I had an original point that I was leading up to, however, right after I typed the words “mere mortal” my Pandora began playing Michael Bubble (that’s his name, right?) and I had a minor mental breakdown when I realized that I’m completely out of thumbs downs.

So now, I’m just going to sit here with my eyes closed, furiously shaking my head back and forth until he stops singing.

Besides, I don’t want to take up too much of your time.

I’m sure you have some work that needs to get done. You just haven’t met it yet, doot doot doot…damn you, Michael Bubble! Damn you!