Nearing the conclusion of my time here at Ashland University, I’ve realized that the only time that my opinion is valued (for the most part) has been during these last three weeks. I’ve been sent survey after survey by the University, as if they had some survey quota to fill and forgot about it until the last minute.

In a move that greatly reflects every college student ever, it’s only right that the administration set such an example. My favorite surveys they have given me, however, are always the ones that give me room to write my response. Perhaps they give me too much room.

Imagine my surprise when I was sent a survey about Clayton Hall’s new visitation policy instated this year and it contained two open-ended questions. Like other surveys I have taken in this respect, I could not pass up the opportunity to write the embellished truth. I apologize to both my Residential Assistant and Residential Director. The following was my response to said survey.

Question 1: “In what ways has the current visitation policy positively impacted your experience living in Clayton Hall?”

Well, it has certainly allowed me to feel more like an adult and less like a no-good heathen. For example, I could now have a lady-friend over longer than usual, and I was quite surprised to find they did not turn into witches or anything like that after 2 a.m. I thought that they for sure turned into pumpkins at least!

Question 2: “In what ways has the current visitation policy negatively impacted your experience living in Clayton Hall?”

Well, the worst part about this whole ordeal was the couple that would frequent the showers around 3 a.m. Yes, I probably shouldn’t have stayed up that late, and that point right there doesn’t really help my “being an adult” defense from earlier if I continue to disobey my mother. It’s not that she scared me or that I set out to disobey her, I just have a specific sequence. A way of doing things, if you will. And yes, I frequently stay up late, writing sentences that begin with “And.”

Regardless, this specific couple on my floor would always frequent the showers that early/late. I would go and use the urinal and suddenly hear giggling. I would casually smile, and then think of ways to possibly peek and see who they were. Then I thought the penis risk was way too high and decided against it. But, regardless, I eventually narrowed it down to two of my hall-mates and I was certainly happy I never did peek, because neither of them were desirable in any way. Not that I like men. I certainly like women. A lot.

I also liked to think about flushing all the toilets at once, just to hear them scream. I thought it may at least be comedic if that was the case. But, alas, I did not want to get beaten to a pulp, so I restrained myself. Despite doing nothing about it, hearing the girl giggle and try to restrain herself was always comical, I suppose. I’m positively certain they never had sex in the shower, mainly because she sounded like one of those screamers. Gross. But I am quite certain that the shower was one of those “after sex” showers/cleansings.

These were the things that kept me up this year.