There comes a time in every man’s life when he knows that he was made to do one thing. For some men that thing is to become a successful banker. Others find their calling in a hut in West Africa.

But for me, dear readers, I am here to eat stupid foods that no sane person would consider.

When I saw the first secret menu article in last year’s Collegian, I knew that I was reading something special. Nick Zavarella’s review of the McGangBang touched a very special place in my heart. Somewhere in the back of my mind I thought to myself: “This is what you were born to do.” As fate would have it, here I am writing the first of many Secret Menu articles for the 2011-2012 school year.

So without further ado, I would like to introduce you to my first creation. The “Adam,” so to speak, of this year’s Secret Menu festivities. I like to call it “The Great Ball of Fire.” First off, I’d like to thank my grandma. It is her glorious recipe that has been replicated time and again by my mother and has kept me full and satisfied for the past 23 years of my life. I decided to use her recipe as a jumping off point.

That is to say, they are NOTHING alike.

The only ingredients they have in common are the ground beef, two eggs and chopped onion. The first difference that Grandma will notice is that the entire thing is covered in a seven-by-seven bacon weave. I decided that I could only make it taste better by wrapping Grandma’s classic comfort food in bacon, so why the hell not? Next, I subbed out the bread, oats and milk for sunflower nuts and whiskey.

It seemed like the obvious choice to me. Less grain and dairy, more fat and alcohol. I may have slipped in a few extra shots here and there too. One for the meatloaf, one for me…

Next, I decided that Grandma’s recipe didn’t have quite the kick that a Secret Menu item needed.

So I piled on the cayenne pepper, chile powder, cumin, coriander, cinnamon, black pepper and garlic in the proper increments (whatever amount I poured until I made myself stop). I also had a couple jalapeños that had been hiding around since the farmer’s market a couple weeks ago. I figured they might as well go in too, right?

I didn’t have a meatloaf pan but that didn’t hinder my progress. I promptly laid out my bacon weave on a sheet of tin foil. I then threw down the spicy meatball in the center and wrapped the bacon-laden metal up around the heap of meaty goodness. Perseverance and ingenuity, folks; just like Helen Keller.

All in all, the Grandma-inspired “Great Ball of Fire” was a success.

I was buzzed. I was full. My mouth was tingling. And I was satisfied. I was filled with sadistic glee while both creating and eating it. The only regret I have is not saving the roughly half-cup of fat that dripped off of the meatloaf when I flipped it over onto the plate. It would have made excellent gravy.

In conclusion, learn how to make a bacon weave: the skill will dazzle and delight. Eat spicy food: it is the essence of life. Live off campus: you can pound shots while cooking. And read the Secret Menu: I promise to shock and disgust.

I AM not Ashland. I AM Dave.

I AM the Secret Menu. I AM….. buzzed from making meatloaf.