This week is gonna be a little different from our usual Secret Menu. In case you haven’t yet read Justine’s opinion column (go do it), or if the Secret Menu is the only thing in The Collegian that you read (and who could blame you?), then you probably haven’t heard yet that The Collegian’s budget was somewhat swept out from beneath us. Maybe you noticed that there wasn’t a fresh new edition in your hands last week. This budget cut is the reason.

What does this mean for the Secret Menu? It means that this week, I’m serving up a steaming bowl of spite and hatred.

When cooking on a budget, the Secret Menu knows just where to look: Refined carbohydrates. With wheat being, pound for pound, cheaper than dirt (fact, look it up), I figured I could probably make due with my newly minced budget. I dredged through the cupboards of my kitchen searching for the least filling, least nutrient dense, and cheapest food that I possess. I naturally landed on a pouch of instant noodles.

I tore open the pouch in a manner quite similar to the way that the hearts of the Collegian’s staff were torn open when they learned of the budget cut almost 2 months after printing began. I boiled a pot of water and watched the steam float away as did the financial support AU once offered us. I broke the brick of noodles in half, much like the pay of the Collegian’s staffers. I forgot to check on the water, just like the university forgot to check that the Collegian got the message about their budget cut, so a lot of the water boiled away and I had to boil more. I lost the flavor packet, as AU lost all of our money, so I did without, just as The Collegian must now do. I brought the bowl to the Collegian office, because no one there can afford food anymore.

The noodles tasted like crap.

Disappointed?

So was I.