The jitters. A mild headache. Increased heart rate. Paranoid delusions.

No, I didn’t snort coke for this week’s Secret Menu. But the results may have been similar if I had.

As I sit down to write this pleasurable piece of particularization, I can barely withhold my legs from flinging wildly and knocking the power cables to this very computer out of their sockets. The thumping from my chest rivals the bass rhythm of a Daft Punk concert. I feel like running a marathon, bench pressing a dolphin, and baking a cake all at the same time. What did I eat? I call it The Power Bowl, Ruiner of Good Sleep.

This week, I decided to give you all an idea of the creativity that can occur when you use the Eagle’s Nest to its fullest potential.

As I walked into the Nest, my initial thought was to pour half & half over a sub sandwich and wrap a pizza around it, but it seemed too obvious. I got very little sleep last night due to a certain video game release, so I decided that a sugar/caffeine/protein boost was in order. So, naturally, I headed back to the ice cream freezer.

As I looked at the options available to me on the Ben & Jerry shelf, I was amused by the name Schweddy Balls^TM. It would be a fit candidate for the base of my culinary monstrosity.

Next, I needed protein. I regret to inform you that adding bacon to the ice cream did not cross my mind. I am ashamed, but hear me out. Upon turning around after removing the Schweddy Balls^TM from its happy home in the freezer, I gazed upon an array of power bars. Bingo. I took the three most appetizing flavors that I came across: Chocolate, Vanilla, and Apple Cinnamon.

Now I needed caffeine. I have always been a fan of a dark, bold-roasted coffee, so I made the easy decision of filling up a cup o’ Joe with the intent of creating a bitter Schweddy Balls^TM and Americano emulsion. I grabbed some half & half, just to up the calorie count.

When I got to the cash register, I saw the most delectable piece of chocolate chip cheesecake under the glass. Those sly dogs at the Eagle’s Nest knew that I wouldn’t be able to resist adding cheesecake to my Schweddy Balls^TM. I asked the lady behind the counter to ring it up as well. I was now ready for the preparation phase.

With a little encouragement from a butter knife, I removed the entirety of the Schweddy Balls^TM from its container and plopped it down into a Styrofoam clamshell.

Making some incisions to break up the mound of Schweddy Balls^TM, it was ready to accept the toppings of torn bits of power bars and cheesecake. Next came the coffee. The heat from the java immediately began to soften both the power bars and the Schweddy Balls^TM. It was glorious, and I was finally ready to eat it.

My initial thought was “Hot Dang, Dave. You’ve done it again. You’ve created yet another masterpiece.” The creamy and crunchy combo of the Schweddy Balls^TM along with the coffee’s intoxicating aroma was enough by itself, but I also had the raw, unadulterated power of about 80 grams of protein. I had a sudden urge to start doing bicep curls with the Eagle’s Nest furniture.

The apple cinnamon bar was a definite clutch choice. It helped bring a sense of adventure to an otherwise one-track minded dish.

My great regret with the whole thing was that there was too much of it to finish before the ice cream became a creamy pool of Schweddy Balls^TM.

It’s amazing how quickly your appetite is suppressed when you stop eating cold delicious Schweddy Balls^TM, and start eating lukewarm and clumpy Schweddy Balls^TM.

My advice, for when you make your own Power Bowl, is to create it in smaller portions, and repeat preparation as necessary in order to keep it at perfect temperature.

All in all, the Power Bowl was a success. It served its purpose of making me alive, awake, alert, and enthusiastic. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go punch down a tree… Schweddy Balls^TM.