Let me start this review by stating that I have not read any of the books by the wonderful author, Stephanie Meyers, and by wonderful I mean terrible, and I have no idea how the plot of this book goes. I am simply reviewing the movie as a casual observer, with no prior knowledge of the story, nor do I care. That being said, I am not one of those “Twilight-Haters,” where their sole purpose on this earth is to bash the very popular series because it is the “cool” thing to do. I have seen the other movies, however, and so I had a feeling about how this one was going to go.

Going into this movie, I thought it was going to be awful because I had had the unfortunate experience of sitting through the other so called “cinematic experiences” that make up the other parts of the series. Boy, was I wrong. This movie was fantastic I thought. It was probably one of the greatest movies I’ve seen all year. The deadpan humor throughout was hilarious. The way in which Kristen Stewart played Bella was great. She delivered her lines with such little emotion, the dryness of it made for one great performance. Also, the melodramatic performance by Robert Pattinson who played Edward was phenomenal. Definitely fitting for a parody. I found myself actually laughing out loud numerous times in the theater. Movies rarely manage to make me laugh and this film was able to accomplish it.

How can this movie not win awards, I said! It’s an outrage! How can people not like this movie?! “It must win best comedy of the year for sure,” I proclaimed as I exited the theater. That’s when everything went horribly wrong.

“You know that wasn’t a comedy right?…” said my accomplice. The words brought my entire world crashing down.

…..You mean… The terrible story? The laughable plot? The awfulness of Kristen Stewart? That was.. real… NOOO! This can’t be. There was no way in hell this movie could not have been a comedy. Surely it must have been a parody. Why in the world would anyone in their right mind ever marry a vampire?? Yes, they were in love, and yes he was a “nice vampire”. Aren’t we forgetting something? Oh yeah.. The main purpose for a vampire to be walking around is TO KILL YOU!! He’s a vampire! He drinks blood for God’s sake! Why would he or his family ever want to be nice to humans, or let alone get married to one. It makes no sense! Oh wait, they’re “vegetarians” you say? They eat deer!! Isn’t deer meat?! C’mon now! If you’re going to hunt and chase deer, which are so much faster than humans, why not just walk down the street and jump a human? So much easier. The basic plot of the whole series makes no sense, man!

Ok, ok. I’ll get over that. No big deal right? Plot doesn’t matter. The acting will make up for.. Uh.. Oh yeah that’s right. The acting made it worse, much much worse. First let’s get this out of the way: Kristen Stewart is probably the worst actress I’ve ever seen in such a large series of blockbuster movies. She has no redeeming qualities. Her delivery is so monotone, I feel like I’m watching a clear-eye commercial minus the good thought of having less irritated eyes. But you know, line delivery doesn’t matter. As long as she’s somewhat good looking she can get away with being a less than formidable actress. Unfortunately, she looks like a walking skeleton meth addict, who just went ten rounds with Chris Brown behind the local Waffle House. Not good. So she looks and acts awfully; basically we’re screwed from the start. She has basically nothing going for her in this movie and it leads to one crappy product. (But hey at least she’s Snow White!!..ugh..)

It also doesn’t help that the story of this movie was trivial at best. Basically they get married, then she gets preggers. Then NOTHING happens. Seriously, that’s pretty much the whole movie right there in two sentences. The plot is basically non-existent.

So bad plot, bad acting, bad Kristen Stewart, basically, this movie was one of the low points on my movie watching résumé. Let’s just say, it was probably one of the worst movies I’ve seen all year, if not ever. Pretty much on par with “Troll 2”, and if you’ve seen “Troll 2”, you know that’s not good. I do not recommend this “movie” to anyone that wants an un-tainted view on life; unless you are looking for a comedy in which case it will be one the best movies you’ve seen in awhile. 5/5 Comedy, 1/5 Serious movie.