Never before have I eaten such a large breakfast. Never before have I felt so poorly before 9 a.m.

For my first Secret Menu of the semester, I put in a full 100 percent – 100 percent of the recommended daily value of four nutrient categories (for a 2000 calorie diet).

I took in more nutrients between two pancakes than some people ingest in an entire day.

Before I explain this week’s secret menu item, some background is needed.

I tend to eat a great deal of food. I’m a swimmer; eating is basically in my job description. It’s normal for me to take in two to three times what another person would on a daily basis.

I look for ways to sneak extra food into my meals, like putting a fried egg in between my pancakes at breakfast. For this secret menu, I took that trickery to the extreme.

Beginning with the idea of that pancake sandwich, I thought of a delicious McDonald’s McGriddle breakfast sandwich (I’ve never had one, but I’ve heard they’re delicious). I combined that with a concept that I got from junior Cheyne Fisher, who takes his egg sandwiches with jam and hot sauce.

I then remembered a time when I preferred my eggs scrambled with as many added stuffs as I could muster: ham, veggies, cheese and the pièce de résistance, tater tots. I loved them with ketchup on top; it added a touch of sweetness that brought it all together into a plate full of delectability.

Before I entered the dining hall to make this breakfast, I knew it was going to take some work to put it all together into a masterful dish.

The creation began with two blueberry pancakes from Leslie. Stepping into the adjacent egg line, I ordered two scoops of eggs scrambled with ham, diced tomatoes, diced green peppers, flat tater tots, cheddar cheese and American cheese.

I had to do the rest on my own. I grabbed six pats of butter (I’m from Wisconsin, so of course it was butter, not artificially colored buttery flavor spread), a small bowl of grape jelly and a small bowl with one scoop of ketchup and half a scoop of hot sauce.

While waiting in line, I mixed the ketchup-hot sauce creation so it would be ready for its application.

Before heading back to the table, I also had to get glasses of grapple juice (grape and apple mixed) and water to wash down the greatness that I’d be putting in my mouth.

The first step of the assembly was to prepare the pancakes, three pats of butter and half the jelly for each. I also put one onto a separate plate to make final assembly easier.

I then combined the ketchup-hot sauce mix with the eggs, which were also on a separate plate.

Almost there, the next step was to shovel the eggs onto one of the pancakes, making sure that none fell off the edge of the cake (I would hate to be wasteful). Finally, I needed to place the second pancake on top, jelly side down.

On the plate, it looked like a neatly prepared saucer of yum. It looked so innocent and so harmless. Somewhere in the middle of the (pan)cake sandwich creation must have been a little man with boxing gloves, well hidden between some ham and tomatoes.

I underestimated how large the product would be; I’d hoped that I would be able to just pick it up and take a bite. Instead, I cut it like a cake, one sixth of the cake at a time. All things considered – besides sticky fingers – it was pretty clean to eat.

It was not, however, easy. Through the first two-thirds of that cake, I felt great. I was still hungry when I was approaching the fifth piece, and then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I got bloated, a bit of indigestion and an intense nauseating sensation.

I pushed through until the sixth piece when it got so bad that I had to drop my fork and walk it off.

I doubted myself. I wanted to give in with one bite left but I somehow managed to drown that little man punching my gut from the inside with an unhealthy amount of fat and sodium.

Nutritionally, this breakfast is loaded: 1,935 calories (97 percent of recommended daily value), 107 grams of fat (165 percent), 172 grams of carbohydrates (57 percent), 50 grams of protein (100 percent) and 7,092 milligrams of sodium (296 percent).

Taste-wise, the dish was everything I wanted it to be; it was sweet and spicy, crunchy and chewy, and full of surprises. Every bite was different than the last because there were so many different things scattered throughout the eggs.

Aside from its terrible effects on my body, the only bad thing about it is that it’s too large to eat before it gets cold. I’m sure that if those final few bites were more than lukewarm, they would have been easier to get down.

The bodily effects were difficult to get over, though. I wouldn’t have been able to eat this breakfast on a day where I had classes; it required an extended nap immediately afterward.

Even after a two-and-a-half hour nap, I was still full from the cake. The only reason I went back for lunch was habitual. I was worried that if I didn’t eat something, I wouldn’t be able to make it through practice in the afternoon.

As disgusting as I felt after eating this Breakfast of Champions, I would definitely make it again. Next time, I will halve the order of eggs though. I think that one scoop of scrambled eggs would make for a perfectly filling portion of greatness.

I can’t wait to make it again.