Glenn: Anyone who read my reviews from the orientation issue from this year will know that I am an unapologetic “Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater” fan. I’ve played and beaten every game in the main series and spent way too much time mastering the game back in 2002. I chose “Tony Hawk: Project 8” because it’s probably the best in the series and it’s the easiest to pick up and play. Since it’s a sports game I figured Chris would have little difficulty picking it up and putting up a good fight. 

This turned out to be less than true.

Chris: Little-known fact: When you google my name, one of the top results that comes up is a video of a 12 year-old skateboarding. This is not me. The video contains “little Chris” riding his skateboard around and doing very simple tricks to the tune of R.E.M.’s “Orange Crush.” He even throws in a horribly sung version of “Chris Bils has got it going on,” which–I promise–I have never sung (well, at least not in public). The video has 310 views. What’s the point of me telling you this? I have no idea. It’s just been weighing on me for quite some time, and the playing of “Tony Hawk” for the Brawl seemed like the time to bring attention to it.

Glenn: I picked the most generic and simplest skate park in the game (efficiently titled “Skate Park”) and then we moved to pick our skaters. I choose Tony Hawk himself because I didn’t feel like making Chris get beaten by my custom skater who has maxed stats and a really bad haircut. Chris chose Bob Burnquist for some reason and the game was on. I had selected a five minute round of “trick attack” wherein two players skate simultaneously and the player with the bigger score at the end wins. 

Chris: I chose Bob Burnquist because he is the greatest Brazilian skateboarder of all time, Glenn. He was the first person ever to land the fakie 900. He also has a sick (skater terms) skate park in his backyard *quickly closes out of Google window.*

Glenn: After a brief practice round to let Chris get acquainted with the controls, we started skating in opposite directions. I went straight down a staircase, grinding (balancing the board not the wheels) down the rail, landing in a manual (when you balance the board on only one set of wheels), and finishing with a 180 tailgrab. Not an overly impressive trick but considering what Chris was pulling off next to me it was more than enough.

Chris: This is incredible. It’s like Glenn’s turned on the XBox and we’ve entered into an alternate universe. He’s using all of these sports (?) terms for moves that I have never heard of and he’s pulling them all off with ease. Even if this is a video game, the fact that Glenn is mastering such athletic maneuvers has me impressed.

Glenn: Chris bailed on his first few attempts to pull off a trick. I took my time to skate to the top of the level, line up with the railings that run the length of the park and embarked on a massive grind. The railing requires you to make a few short jumps and I did so but during each jump I would add a small kickflip or grab trick to increase my point multiplier. After eight jumps I landed the trick with an “x17” multiplier. I netted somewhere around 60,000 points and glanced at our scores to see how Chris was doing. My total was around 89,000 and Chris was getting by with 13,000. 

Chris: I’m not quite sure what I was supposed to be doing. I mean, I was pushing buttons and doing tricks, but my score was adding up in increments of 70 or so points while Glenn continued to multiply his score with each trick he did. I remember playing “Tony Hawk” as a kid and doing tricks with much higher difficulty, but I was unable to draw back on those memories. Then again, I was playing on Game Boy Color. I’m not sure YouTube Chris Bils would have even been impressed with my two-second grinds and occasional handstand thingy.

Glenn: I finished landing another trick and then just decided to be a jerk. I skated around the park looking for Chris, who I found struggling to land two consecutive tricks at the bottom of a ramp. I raced toward him, building as much speed as possible. I steam rolled right into him and sent him flying through the air. 

Chris: For a second I thought I may have finally pushed the right buttons to do an incredible trick. Crazy-haired Bob Burnquist went flying through the air into a series of flips as I watched with excitement that quickly turned to horror as I realized he was nowhere near being able to land the trick. Blood was everywhere. I’m pretty sure he broke both of his wrists. In the true video game spirit, he got up and brushed it off.

Glenn: The noise that came out of Chris’s mouth was something like “Bawha? What happened?” It was an extremely satisfying moment. I skated away content to let Chris skate peacefully for the remainder of the time. Then I remembered football three weeks ago and being needlessly tackled. I turned around and gunned straight at Chris for another collision and since I was again going much, much faster I suffered no damage while Chris shot back into the sky.

Chris: I wasn’t aware that skateboarding was a contact sport. Then again, in a video game that requires much button mashing, I was severely hindered by a still-unhealed right thumb. (Yes, I will continue to complain until it heals.) For every point I scored, Glenn scored another 1,000. This was getting more and more humiliating by the second.

Glenn: I saw the clock ticking down. I pulled off a couple of tricks at a rapid pace just to rub it in. Fittingly enough, Chris bailed on his last trick and face planted down the ramp. The clock showed 0:00 and the scores showed Glenn: 176,000 and Chris: 36,000. This wasn’t my biggest victory but it was satisfying to know that I beat Chris at a sports game. 

Chris: Next week, I’ll take Glenn back to his least favorite place on campus and the site of the first beatdown: the Rec. We’ll face off in racquetball.